What not to say to someone who just miscarried

No one really knows what to say to me.

How did I go from 'extremely fertile' to this:

Finally deciding to try again. Fall pregnant straight away but....

Ectopic pregnancy removed at 6 weeks and 5 days.

Then...

Taking some time to recover, to turn 30, to go overseas and then try again....this time a miscarriage.

4 weeks and 5 days.

Then...

Start trying again, it wont take long. Getting pregnant is the easy part......8 months of nothing. Acupuncture, ovulation testing, 'not trying too hard', finally referred to a specialist. The other tube is likely blocked. Have a HSG. Fall pregnant almost immediately afterwards. Everything is going well. Third time lucky for number three-surely this is it this time.....

Another miscarriage at 5 weeks and 2 days.

I can tell you what NOT to say.

Don't say 'it wasn't meant to be'. Any woman who has dealt with miscarriage does not want to hear this. No one knows what is and isn't meant to be. It doesn't help me when you say MY BABY WASNT MEANT TO BE HERE. Are you serious!?! That makes me want to punch you.

Don't say 'there was probably something wrong with it'. Are you a medical expert? Have you read the reports? No? Then please don't tell me my baby was a defect.

Don't say 'be grateful for the two you already have'. Again, ARE YOU SERIOUS!?! What, like I'm NOT grateful for my children??? 

This also applies to 'Why do you even want another child?' Why does anybody want any child? Why do some people not want any children? Why do some people who abuse and neglect their children whilst popping pills and sleeping the days away have no troubles conceiving, but the people who are gentle and compassionate and have so much love to give, struggle for years and years to have just one.

It doesn't help to hear there are women worse off than me. I know there are and that just makes me sad for them, but not any less sad for me so ultimately, it just makes me feel worse.

There is no need to avoid telling me when you fall pregnant or a friend does. I can still be happy for you and sad for me at the same time. That doesn't make me less happy for you.

I do know some things you CAN say.

You can say 'I'm sorry'. Its not your fault of course but it means you are acknowledging that this is a shitty thing to happen and you wish that it wasn't.

You can also say 'this sucks'. Because it does.

You can say nothing at all and just give me a hug. A hug helps more than words do.

Wine and soft cheese and chocolate take the edge off a little. But I'm trying not to do too much of that because: 'health'.

I don't have all the answers. I have tortured myself for years wondering why the idea of another baby just wont rest. Its not that I'm clucky. Its not that I hold a baby and smell that sweet new baby smell and instantly need a hit from my own like some baby-smell crack addict.

For me its just this feeling that someone might be missing. Its not that my two aren't enough. They are enough. They are gorgeous and healthy and so full of personality and intelligence and curiosity. They keep us busy and fill us with love. But I just don't feel that we are completely complete yet.

Maybe its growing up in a family with lots of kids. I'm pretty sure thats what it is. I don't want six, Id really like three but ill still be just as happy with my two.  

More than enough

I do worry that the feeling that someone is missing might only fade in to the background, never quite disappearing completely. But then again, maybe it will and I will realise for myself that we were never meant to have a third child.

I don't know what will happen next. I don't know if we will try again. I don't know that if we do try again, if we will even fall pregnant again. And I certainly don't know that if I do fall pregnant again, if everything will work out. 

But I do know that if we do try again, and we miscarry again,or someone you know does, that you will know what to say.

Lisa 

The 3rd child dilemma

To have a 3rd child, or not to have a 3rd child. That is the question. That is the same damn question we keep asking ourselves over and over but each time is a different answer-no! yes! hell no!!! maybe? definitely! Maybe soon? Maybe later? Should we? Are we crazy to want another one? Are we crazy to be questioning ourselves so damn much!!

We have one of each. We are one of those lucky families that get to experience the best of both worlds. I know how lucky I am. 

Two crazy kids

Life is getting, dare I say it....easier. Somewhat, anyway. 

Lila can talk and walk now so she no longer feels so frustrated and whines at me all.day.long like she used to. She is so cute, and clever, and funny, and caring, and thoughtful, very thoughtful. She loves cuddles and kisses and lying in bed with me in the mornings. She loves her brother and copies everything he does but at the same time she likes her space. She likes her independence and knows when she needs some alone time. 

Little Miss Lila

Marley has just turned 4 and man is he one clever, observant, funny little dude. He makes us laugh constantly with the things he says and does. He has his own sense of style-already.  He likes to get himself dressed in his favourite 'red jeans' or the cobalt blue pair, depending on his mood. and he loves to wear hats, thankfully. He is toilet trained and independent enough to watch cartoons by himself in the mornings if he gets up before me and Lila. He is starting kindy next week. And that makes me sad and proud and excited and worried all at the same time. 

Mr Marley in said 'red jeans'

We were only ever going to have 2 kids. That was what Paul wanted. I never had the magic number so I just went along with what he said. He wanted two kids before he was 30 and he wanted them close together. 

Me? Well I was always going to be a single, independent, fierce career woman living in a city in a renovated warehouse. I was going to have a child one day but it was going to be after studying, travelling, career'ing', marrying, living! 

But in real life, there I was,  23, newly married to my boyfriend of 7 years, on our romantic, luxurious tropical island honeymoon, dreading the return to work. We had discussed trying for a baby once we were married. It fit in to Paul's 'two kids before I'm 30 plan'. He had just turned 28 so mathematically, we didn't have long.  I hated my job and it seemed like a good idea to start 'trying' for our first baby. Which was of course going to take us about a year to fall pregnant....or maybe it was going to happen first go, on our honeymoon....

Marley was born in October 2008, roughly 9 months post-honeymoon....

I never understood the term 'love at first site' until I saw my beautiful boy for the first time. He was so perfect. It was unbelievable how perfect he was. And he was such a perfect baby. Happy all the time, fed well, slept well, just perfection. 

When Marley was around 16 months old, we decided to start trying for our second child. I was desperate for a girl. I did all the research and worked out my ovulation schedule to give us the best chance of having a girl. And it worked! Lila joined our little family in December 2010, 6 days before Christmas and 7 long, hot days past her due date. But she was an awful baby. I know you shouldn't say that about your own kids, but its true. She cried all the time, never wanted to sleep, was always fussy and wanting to be held. I went from living in a love bubble with my first baby to living some kind of hell with my second. I was sad, angry, pissed off and guilty all at the same time, all the time. My health suffered and our marriage suffered.

I knew I was 'done' once I had Lila.  I didn't feel like I could handle the two kids I had let alone even consider another child. I HAD to be done. 

But as time has passed, the memories of that awful first year with Lila have faded. And I feel that familiar, internal yearning starting again. That pang of envy whenever I see a new mother out with her precious little bundle. That tingly sensation when I hear a baby cry, or get to have newborn cuddles with a friends baby. 

Which brings us to our current predicament of to three, or not to three?

On the list of 'cons' of three children...

• I have two hands. 
• there are two parents
• the big kids would have to share (and we have tried that already. it did not work)
• three kids in the back seat of the car. Have you seen the ultra tune ad!?!?
• Im not sure I want to put myself through pregnancy again? The morning sickness, the extreme tiredness, the weight gain, the stretch marks, the limitations.
• holidays, school fees, christmas, birthdays...three kids is three times the expense

But the pro's

well they are obvious aren't they. 

• a new BABY!! who doesn't love a new baby!
• chubby legs, hands and feet to kiss and cuddle to my hearts content
• the gift of a new sibling for Marley and Lila
• someone else to love and cherish in our family

Clearly, when considering the pros and cons its really a case of head (cons) vs heart (pros)

Were sticking to our plan of making our final decision next May/June. After my 30th birthday.

It will either be baby or operation. 

Ill keep you posted.

Lisa xx