What not to say to someone who just miscarried

No one really knows what to say to me.

How did I go from 'extremely fertile' to this:

Finally deciding to try again. Fall pregnant straight away but....

Ectopic pregnancy removed at 6 weeks and 5 days.

Then...

Taking some time to recover, to turn 30, to go overseas and then try again....this time a miscarriage.

4 weeks and 5 days.

Then...

Start trying again, it wont take long. Getting pregnant is the easy part......8 months of nothing. Acupuncture, ovulation testing, 'not trying too hard', finally referred to a specialist. The other tube is likely blocked. Have a HSG. Fall pregnant almost immediately afterwards. Everything is going well. Third time lucky for number three-surely this is it this time.....

Another miscarriage at 5 weeks and 2 days.

I can tell you what NOT to say.

Don't say 'it wasn't meant to be'. Any woman who has dealt with miscarriage does not want to hear this. No one knows what is and isn't meant to be. It doesn't help me when you say MY BABY WASNT MEANT TO BE HERE. Are you serious!?! That makes me want to punch you.

Don't say 'there was probably something wrong with it'. Are you a medical expert? Have you read the reports? No? Then please don't tell me my baby was a defect.

Don't say 'be grateful for the two you already have'. Again, ARE YOU SERIOUS!?! What, like I'm NOT grateful for my children??? 

This also applies to 'Why do you even want another child?' Why does anybody want any child? Why do some people not want any children? Why do some people who abuse and neglect their children whilst popping pills and sleeping the days away have no troubles conceiving, but the people who are gentle and compassionate and have so much love to give, struggle for years and years to have just one.

It doesn't help to hear there are women worse off than me. I know there are and that just makes me sad for them, but not any less sad for me so ultimately, it just makes me feel worse.

There is no need to avoid telling me when you fall pregnant or a friend does. I can still be happy for you and sad for me at the same time. That doesn't make me less happy for you.

I do know some things you CAN say.

You can say 'I'm sorry'. Its not your fault of course but it means you are acknowledging that this is a shitty thing to happen and you wish that it wasn't.

You can also say 'this sucks'. Because it does.

You can say nothing at all and just give me a hug. A hug helps more than words do.

Wine and soft cheese and chocolate take the edge off a little. But I'm trying not to do too much of that because: 'health'.

I don't have all the answers. I have tortured myself for years wondering why the idea of another baby just wont rest. Its not that I'm clucky. Its not that I hold a baby and smell that sweet new baby smell and instantly need a hit from my own like some baby-smell crack addict.

For me its just this feeling that someone might be missing. Its not that my two aren't enough. They are enough. They are gorgeous and healthy and so full of personality and intelligence and curiosity. They keep us busy and fill us with love. But I just don't feel that we are completely complete yet.

Maybe its growing up in a family with lots of kids. I'm pretty sure thats what it is. I don't want six, Id really like three but ill still be just as happy with my two.  

More than enough

I do worry that the feeling that someone is missing might only fade in to the background, never quite disappearing completely. But then again, maybe it will and I will realise for myself that we were never meant to have a third child.

I don't know what will happen next. I don't know if we will try again. I don't know that if we do try again, if we will even fall pregnant again. And I certainly don't know that if I do fall pregnant again, if everything will work out. 

But I do know that if we do try again, and we miscarry again,or someone you know does, that you will know what to say.

Lisa 

New Year,New House!!

You may have noticed my not so subtle hint to this in my last post. And after months and months of emails, phone calls, meetings, open inspections and the inevitable hoop jumping, I can finally say officially that we have BOUGHT A NEW HOUSE!!! 

It still feels so surreal. I mean, just mere months ago I didn't think this was going to be possible for a very long time. I know people buy and sell houses every day, but not us. We have been in this little house for a very, very long time and part of me just couldn't imagine ever leaving it.

We knew it was going to be that much more difficult given our self-employment, and that the market is still not great but I'm a big believer in fate and everything just fell into place...eventually. 

The new house is not a little house. It is a big house. A very big house. 4 big bedrooms all with walk-in-robes. The master bedroom with a huge double en-suite. A massive theatre room and an even bigger open plan living, games and dining. It is three times the size of our little house!

the NEW house-we have big plans for this area!

The new house is also exactly that, new. It is only four years old and comes complete with solar panels on the roof and a generous supply of rain water. So even though the size of the house is bigger, our environmental impact wont be. 

It is not our forever house. It is not our dream house. But it is definitely a house we can see ourselves in for maybe another ten years. Where our kids will go from pre-schoolers all the way through to teenagers....what a scary thought!

Even though it is relatively new, and modern, there is alot we want to change and update. Which is perfect! We weren't looking for a house that we loved everything about it. We were looking for a bigger house, in a nicer part of our suburb, on a decent size block with good 'bones' (high ceilings-tick!)

So the new house comes with a very long to-do list:
~front landscaping
~update front door
~paint entire house (each room including painting over the grey! skirting boards and architraves!!)
~replace all window furnishings
~update bathrooms (new tiles, fixtures)
~complete re-do of the kitchen (this time were going BLACK!)
~light fixtures throughout
~re-paint back pergola
~new shed for the husband

on the maybe list:
~render front of house
~change double roller doors to one single panel lift door
~update the back porch area from pavers to decking 
~a pool!!! (hoping, wishing!!)

Im beyond excited and I can not wait to get started on making this new house our new home. It will take a little longer to put the $ away for renovations this time around (bigger house=bigger mortgage) but I'm going to be looking for serious money saving options, DIY where possible, second-hand items and ways to save money in our day-to-day lives to put more towards funding these projects. 

Im really looking forward to the challenge of transforming a typical character-less modern 'mc-mansion' into a character-filled, beautiful, unique and stylish home. 

We will miss our little house. It is still weird to think we wont live here anymore...

forever this will be, our first little house

Happy New Year!! Here's to new beginnings!

 Lisa xx

{The Grateful Project} Day 17- Friends

Friends. Thank god you can choose them. I have some of the best, if I don't say so myself. And oh my, I am so incredibly grateful to have them all in my life.

I have my 'mum friends' who I've met since having children. We all had babies around the same time and now we hang out and the kiddos play whilst we have coffee and share our horror stories. Every now and then we are lucky enough to go out and catch-up without children and instead, wine. Now that is always a fun time to be had! 

'mothers group'

Then there are my 'single and child-less' friends although most of them aren't single anymore and a few now have kids, even step-kids. They are the ones that know the latest pubs and clubs to go to, the ones in the latest fashions, smashing it in the career fields and generally having the time of their lives. jealous? me, never! Ok maybe a little bit but I wouldn't trade places with them. I still get to go out every now and then but I have my kids everyday and that beats any club or corporate ladder.

party time!

Fiji, one thousand years ago

There are our couple friends. Most of whom we have known since we got-together, nearly 13 years ago! We've gone through weddings and divorces, babies and miscarriages. We've been through alot together and you know they will always have your back, and you theirs. 

Our very dear friends wedding, 4 years ago

two of my closet friends on our Melbourne trip last year

I have alot of friends and Im grateful for every.single.one of them. I don't get to spend time with any of them anywhere near enough but we are all busy and they get that. Im so grateful to have friends that organise stuff though because without those friends, I probably wouldn't see anyone-ever.

Sunday brunch dates with these chicks

 Thank you ladies. 

Lisa xx

{The Grateful Project} Days 10-16: Time

I had every intention of doing a separate post for each day of the last week. But the more I thought about all the posts I wanted to write, the more I realised that each moment I have been grateful for, all comes down to the same thing...time.

I'm feeling so grateful right now, to time. 

Right now, time is on my side, on my family's side. The kiddos are still so young and even though time is constantly ticking, right now they are here with me. And I am here with them. 

coffee dates with the little lady

turning boxes of wine into works of art

still little enough to squash side-by-side in the trolley

I have become so painfully aware lately how limited this time really is. Whether it is due to the little man starting kindergarten and the incredible changes I have seen in him as a result, or if its due to the recent time I have spent alone with Lila, and noticing how quickly she is growing up, I am constantly aware that this time is precious. 

I caught Marley helping Lila put on her shoes...proud mummy moment!

Last week I toured one of the schools we are considering enrolling Marley in. All too soon, I am going to be a 'school Mum'. We are going to be doing lunches and school runs and readers and after-school sports and he is going to be gone all day, five days a week. I keep thinking 'that's it', like once he starts school, its all over. 

yes it is

I have been loving mornings lately. Those blissful moments when the kids have climbed in to bed with me and we all lie there snuggling together, them watching cartoons and me stealing a few more precious minutes of sleep. Already we are at a stage of having to be somewhere every morning by a certain time but its still pretty casual. Casual in the way that its not a big deal if we run a few minutes late to swimming lessons or to kindergarten. Next year were going to have to be on a.....schedule!

so relax!

I am grateful to still be at home. All too soon, it will be time for me to return to work. And that is exciting, scary and sad. I will not only be a 'school mum' then but a 'working school mum'.

always, always choose the kids

Right now Im just grateful for the kisses and cuddles and tickle fights. Im taking more time when I go to check in on them before I go to bed, just to soak up a little more of the adorable that is a sleeping child. 

Im finding that im willing them to come in to our room and hop in to bed with us, just so I can fall asleep with them tucked safely in my arms. 


All I want to do right now is just be where they are. I just can not get enough of them and that is a wonderful feeling.  


Lisa xx

{The Grateful Project} Day 4: Lazy summer nights

pretty summer sunsets at Aldinga Beach

You may notice this post is one day late. That's because last night I was here /\, enjoying this view with friends, family and about 3000 tourists. Ok maybe a slight exaggeration, it was more like 2999. 

So grateful to live 2 minutes from this. I can come here whenever I want but I don't get here anywhere near enough. 

Now I just need to overcome my immense fear of sharks and learn me some surfin' moves, and Id be all set....

Lisa xx

{The Grateful Project} Day 3:Girls night in

Tonight, I'm grateful for a night in at home, just me and my mini-me. 

While the boys are off doing manly things (Monster Trucks-can you get manlier than that!?!?), me and the little lady had a little mani/pedi sesh whilst watching the latest Tinkerbell. seriously.

pink AND sparkles!

This is my idea of a Saturday night! Im such a loser! But I love it!!

Lisa xx

{The Grateful Project} Day 2: Life's little lessons-Loving my children

This morning I received a phone call.

It is one I've had many times before. And every time it brings all these 'mother issues' up which I hate to think of.

I prefer to live in my bubble and not think of icky, feel-sorry-for-myself things like that. 

So today, im grateful that the way I was 'brought' up has made me the kind of mother I am today. No matter how crazy my kids make me, the spirited little delights that they are, they are, and always will be, the absolute most important people in my life. 

My kids are everything to me.

I assume most people feel the same way, but every now and then, I get a nasty little reminder that to some people (that I happen to be related to), this is not the case. Not.even.close. 

I cant imagine an event in my life more important than caring for my children.

I cant imagine another person being more important to me than they are.

I cant imagine not being there for them or being apart of their lives.

I cant imagine living around the corner from them, but not seeing them or speaking to them for months.

I am grateful that my kids will never ever doubt my love for them or how much I care for them or that I would go to the ends of the earth for them, for I tell them every.single.day. 

my sleeping beauties

So, today, Im grateful that despite having grown up with a very different 'parenting style', Im different. 

Im not perfect, far from it. 

But I love my kids with total and complete passion, so much so that I am consumed by thoughts of them constantly.

How to parent them.

How to care for them.

Am I doing things the right way? 

Am I feeding them properly?

Am I doing enough activities with them? 

Are they having fun?

If nothing else, I am totally and completely madly in love with my kids, and they know that.

And that my friends,makes me feel incredibly grateful. 

What little life lessons are you most grateful for?

Lisa xx

{The Grateful Project} Day 1: The Husband

Today, on this first day of {The Grateful Project} and as it so happens to be Valentines Day, I am grateful for my husband Paul. 

The husband.

I am grateful my parents finally made the decision to move back home to Adelaide, after much pestering on my part.

I am grateful for, on my very first day of my new school, walking into that classroom 13 years ago, and sitting next to that girl, who happened to be dating this other guy who just happened to be cousins with this other guy named Paul. 

I am grateful that Paul chose me.

I am grateful that after so many loser boyfriends, Paul was actually a nice guy. 

I am grateful that he asked me to move in with him, to the house that he had worked so hard and saved so much to have. 

I am grateful that he asked me to marry him and Im grateful he made me wait as long as he did, for I really was not ready before then. 

Im grateful that he really wanted to have kids. 

Im grateful that he is such a good father.

Im grateful that he works so hard.

Im grateful that we are still together.

Im grateful that we can fight and argue and I can yell and scream, and be really mad at him, and know that he will still be here.

Im grateful that he puts up with me, messy, unorganised, fiesty me.

Im grateful to have had the same Valentine for 13 years. 

Who are you most grateful for?

Lisa xx

Learning to be grateful

I don't know what has happened to me over the years but somewhere along the way, I have gotten a little lost.

Me as a baby with my very young parents...before siblings 1,2.3.4 and 5 arrived

I grew up in a big family, in a small town with very little money and even less opportunities. But, it was an awesome childhood! I loved being a part of a big family. No matter what kind of day I had at school or whatever friendship dramas I had going on at the time ( I was a girl, there was always drama!), I always had all these people to come home to, people that were on my side, my team.

It didn't matter that we didn't have money. Yes, it definitely sucked that Mum couldn't afford to buy me the 'cool' clothes and shoes, but I survived. 

I have fond memories of spending summer holiday mornings foraging for small change in between the couch cushions trying to find enough money to pay for our entry to the local swimming pool! Things weren't always that tight,but luxuries were always a rarity.

When I was a child, I could not wait to own my own house. I didn't care what kind of house it was, as long as it was mine and I could paint and decorate and rearrange furniture as often as I pleased.

I now have my own house. I can paint and decorate and rearrange furniture as often as I please.

But now, its not enough.

Its not big enough.

Its not made of brick.

Its not new.

Its not in the 'nice' part of town.

The layout sucks.

The bathroom tiles are ugly.

The ceiling is too low.

There isn't enough natural light.

And we only have ONE living room, ONE!

How do people function these days with two small children and only ONE living room???

Not only do I have my own house, but really, I have everything. 

Im happily married to a hard-working, loving, caring, generous man who is a fantastic, hands-on father to our two beautiful, smart, funny, outgoing children. 

We have a big family and lots and lots of great friends who make us laugh, keep us sane and share this crazy journey with us. 

We have two decent cars (that dont break down) our own business and I've even been lucky enough to be a stay-at-home Mum. 

I chose to go back to study and am now, finally, fulfilling my dream of studying interior design (despite the constant doubt and uncertainty that haunts me).

I have all of this, yet I still complain. I still whine. Its still not enough.

WTF is wrong with me???

My visit to the accountants yesterday was a bit of a wake-up call. I was complaining to him about our finances and willing him to tell me when things were going to pick up again, when we will be able to start getting on top of things again, when ill be able to go and spend money without having to think about it again. And he turned to me and said, 'I am getting at least one client a week in tears because they have no work, their business is going under, they are going to lose everything, they cant even support their families. You are lucky you still have work'

I needed to hear that. I needed to be told to suck it up and be grateful. I needed that reminder. 

But I need to keep reminding myself. Because it is oh-too-easy to slip back in to the habit of focusing on what I don't have instead of everything that I do. 

So im embarking on a little photo/blog post a day project. 

Every day, for a month, starting today, Valentines Day. 

Ill post a little later on when my first subject gets home from work....

In the meantime, tell me, what are you most grateful for? 

Lisa xx

The 3rd child dilemma

To have a 3rd child, or not to have a 3rd child. That is the question. That is the same damn question we keep asking ourselves over and over but each time is a different answer-no! yes! hell no!!! maybe? definitely! Maybe soon? Maybe later? Should we? Are we crazy to want another one? Are we crazy to be questioning ourselves so damn much!!

We have one of each. We are one of those lucky families that get to experience the best of both worlds. I know how lucky I am. 

Two crazy kids

Life is getting, dare I say it....easier. Somewhat, anyway. 

Lila can talk and walk now so she no longer feels so frustrated and whines at me all.day.long like she used to. She is so cute, and clever, and funny, and caring, and thoughtful, very thoughtful. She loves cuddles and kisses and lying in bed with me in the mornings. She loves her brother and copies everything he does but at the same time she likes her space. She likes her independence and knows when she needs some alone time. 

Little Miss Lila

Marley has just turned 4 and man is he one clever, observant, funny little dude. He makes us laugh constantly with the things he says and does. He has his own sense of style-already.  He likes to get himself dressed in his favourite 'red jeans' or the cobalt blue pair, depending on his mood. and he loves to wear hats, thankfully. He is toilet trained and independent enough to watch cartoons by himself in the mornings if he gets up before me and Lila. He is starting kindy next week. And that makes me sad and proud and excited and worried all at the same time. 

Mr Marley in said 'red jeans'

We were only ever going to have 2 kids. That was what Paul wanted. I never had the magic number so I just went along with what he said. He wanted two kids before he was 30 and he wanted them close together. 

Me? Well I was always going to be a single, independent, fierce career woman living in a city in a renovated warehouse. I was going to have a child one day but it was going to be after studying, travelling, career'ing', marrying, living! 

But in real life, there I was,  23, newly married to my boyfriend of 7 years, on our romantic, luxurious tropical island honeymoon, dreading the return to work. We had discussed trying for a baby once we were married. It fit in to Paul's 'two kids before I'm 30 plan'. He had just turned 28 so mathematically, we didn't have long.  I hated my job and it seemed like a good idea to start 'trying' for our first baby. Which was of course going to take us about a year to fall pregnant....or maybe it was going to happen first go, on our honeymoon....

Marley was born in October 2008, roughly 9 months post-honeymoon....

I never understood the term 'love at first site' until I saw my beautiful boy for the first time. He was so perfect. It was unbelievable how perfect he was. And he was such a perfect baby. Happy all the time, fed well, slept well, just perfection. 

When Marley was around 16 months old, we decided to start trying for our second child. I was desperate for a girl. I did all the research and worked out my ovulation schedule to give us the best chance of having a girl. And it worked! Lila joined our little family in December 2010, 6 days before Christmas and 7 long, hot days past her due date. But she was an awful baby. I know you shouldn't say that about your own kids, but its true. She cried all the time, never wanted to sleep, was always fussy and wanting to be held. I went from living in a love bubble with my first baby to living some kind of hell with my second. I was sad, angry, pissed off and guilty all at the same time, all the time. My health suffered and our marriage suffered.

I knew I was 'done' once I had Lila.  I didn't feel like I could handle the two kids I had let alone even consider another child. I HAD to be done. 

But as time has passed, the memories of that awful first year with Lila have faded. And I feel that familiar, internal yearning starting again. That pang of envy whenever I see a new mother out with her precious little bundle. That tingly sensation when I hear a baby cry, or get to have newborn cuddles with a friends baby. 

Which brings us to our current predicament of to three, or not to three?

On the list of 'cons' of three children...

• I have two hands. 
• there are two parents
• the big kids would have to share (and we have tried that already. it did not work)
• three kids in the back seat of the car. Have you seen the ultra tune ad!?!?
• Im not sure I want to put myself through pregnancy again? The morning sickness, the extreme tiredness, the weight gain, the stretch marks, the limitations.
• holidays, school fees, christmas, birthdays...three kids is three times the expense

But the pro's

well they are obvious aren't they. 

• a new BABY!! who doesn't love a new baby!
• chubby legs, hands and feet to kiss and cuddle to my hearts content
• the gift of a new sibling for Marley and Lila
• someone else to love and cherish in our family

Clearly, when considering the pros and cons its really a case of head (cons) vs heart (pros)

Were sticking to our plan of making our final decision next May/June. After my 30th birthday.

It will either be baby or operation. 

Ill keep you posted.

Lisa xx