Tuesday, August 4, 2015

What not to say to someone who just miscarried

No one really knows what to say to me.

How did I go from 'extremely fertile' to this:

Finally deciding to try again. Fall pregnant straight away but....

Ectopic pregnancy removed at 6 weeks and 5 days.


Taking some time to recover, to turn 30, to go overseas and then try again....this time a miscarriage.

4 weeks and 5 days.


Start trying again, it wont take long. Getting pregnant is the easy part......8 months of nothing. Acupuncture, ovulation testing, 'not trying too hard', finally referred to a specialist. The other tube is likely blocked. Have a HSG. Fall pregnant almost immediately afterwards. Everything is going well. Third time lucky for number three-surely this is it this time.....

Another miscarriage at 5 weeks and 2 days.

I can tell you what NOT to say.

Don't say 'it wasn't meant to be'. Any woman who has dealt with miscarriage does not want to hear this. No one knows what is and isn't meant to be. It doesn't help me when you say MY BABY WASNT MEANT TO BE HERE. Are you serious!?! That makes me want to punch you.

Don't say 'there was probably something wrong with it'. Are you a medical expert? Have you read the reports? No? Then please don't tell me my baby was a defect.

Don't say 'be grateful for the two you already have'. Again, ARE YOU SERIOUS!?! What, like I'm NOT grateful for my children??? 

This also applies to 'Why do you even want another child?' Why does anybody want any child? Why do some people not want any children? Why do some people who abuse and neglect their children whilst popping pills and sleeping the days away have no troubles conceiving, but the people who are gentle and compassionate and have so much love to give, struggle for years and years to have just one.

It doesn't help to hear there are women worse off than me. I know there are and that just makes me sad for them, but not any less sad for me so ultimately, it just makes me feel worse.

There is no need to avoid telling me when you fall pregnant or a friend does. I can still be happy for you and sad for me at the same time. That doesn't make me less happy for you.

I do know some things you CAN say.

You can say 'I'm sorry'. Its not your fault of course but it means you are acknowledging that this is a shitty thing to happen and you wish that it wasn't.

You can also say 'this sucks'. Because it does.

You can say nothing at all and just give me a hug. A hug helps more than words do.

Wine and soft cheese and chocolate take the edge off a little. But I'm trying not to do too much of that because: 'health'.

I don't have all the answers. I have tortured myself for years wondering why the idea of another baby just wont rest. Its not that I'm clucky. Its not that I hold a baby and smell that sweet new baby smell and instantly need a hit from my own like some baby-smell crack addict.

For me its just this feeling that someone might be missing. Its not that my two aren't enough. They are enough. They are gorgeous and healthy and so full of personality and intelligence and curiosity. They keep us busy and fill us with love. But I just don't feel that we are completely complete yet.

Maybe its growing up in a family with lots of kids. I'm pretty sure thats what it is. I don't want six, Id really like three but ill still be just as happy with my two.  

More than enough
I do worry that the feeling that someone is missing might only fade in to the background, never quite disappearing completely. But then again, maybe it will and I will realise for myself that we were never meant to have a third child.

I don't know what will happen next. I don't know if we will try again. I don't know that if we do try again, if we will even fall pregnant again. And I certainly don't know that if I do fall pregnant again, if everything will work out. 

But I do know that if we do try again, and we miscarry again,or someone you know does, that you will know what to say.


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